Everything That Will Never Happen
by Fallen Lithium
Summary: ONESHOT They say that Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. She may not be 'scorned' per se, but Samus Aran will make sure that her victims are wishing for Hell.


_**Everything That Will Never Happen**_

_**Fallen Lithium**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Smash Bros., or properties related thereof. No profit is incurred from the writing of this story.**_

Samus strolled casually through the garden, helmet in hand. A sickly, copper-red fluid mixed with the rain that peppered the complex dripped onto the ground, leaving no noticeable marks as the precipitation washed it all away. The bounty huntress grinned as she allowed the metal mask to dangle casually from her middle finger.

"One last 'fuck you'," she thought with a twisted grin.

At that thought, the rain began to pound harder. Snake grunted in pain as the water sank slowly into his sneaking suit. The cold made him shiver. A thin stream of diluted red made him think he was taking a bloody shower. One would think that a man such as David Hayter would have been able to worm his way out of the huntress's grasp at this point. This was not so.

The fingers that weren't holding the damned helmet gripped Snake tightly in his brown mullet. At first, he couldn't have been more amazed at how much strength her four remaining digits contained. Now, he couldn't feel more horrified and helpless. His broken legs didn't help the situation much. He may as well have been tearing through a dark forest at full speed, the way his broken legs were getting scraped by the well tended grasses.

Where had Samus dumped the other one? Snake didn't know. The Philanthropist was getting more disoriented with each step further away from the house she dragged him.

Snake wasn't sure he could even completely remember what happened any more.

One thing was for certain. There had been blood, and lots of it. And Missiles… lots of those too. A particularly rough haul Samus made on his body sent his left leg careening into some nearby pricker-bushes. He had to bite his tongue to keep the painful scream down.

Peach had said those cursed bushes were _beautiful_. There were _soothing_. Oh, if only the Mushroom Princess could see him now.

But Snake couldn't scream. He mustn't. Whenever he did, Samus's metal boot became re-acquainted with his face. There was probably a bruise. Not that he could tell, in his position.

"W…What…?" he tried to ask, and thus was kicked again.

"Shut up," she hissed. Snake couldn't keep the hiss of pain inside at the expansion of his facial bruise. For that, she hoofed him again. "What part of 'shut up' don't you understand?!" she nearly wailed.

They were approaching their destination. Snake didn't know it, but Samus did. Oh, how close they were! Sweet, sweet revenge framboiled alongside a healthy serving of death was soon at hand. She was tempted to ask the soldier if he had any last words. Before opening her mouth, Samus decided against it. The situation couldn't possibly be any more clichéd. The rain, the ironically peaceful garden setting… No, she mustn't make the whole thing any sillier.

Her heart was beating like a hammer. It was a wonderful beating, without regret or remorse. They had it coming. The bastards deserved it. Just like thousands of Space Pirates and their leader Ridley had.

Were they really as bad as all that? Maybe not… but they were bad enough. Just like Toon Link… what a naughty boy, catching her in her plans. The little shit was likely still snivelling in that closet somewhere in the house.

_I'll deal with him later. These two need to be… disposed of first_.

Samus chuckled aloud. How evil she sounded! Like a villain on those Saturday morning cartoons the PSI boys enjoyed so much.

She wasn't evil like them, however. Samus Aran was simply a good person, who might be doing a bad thing.

"It's not all bad," she said to the rain, ignoring the trembling man she was dragging by the hair. "No one will miss you assholes."

"F-fuck y-y-y…" Snake didn't have the strength to finish the spat sentence. Samus finished it for him with another boot to the face. "Uhnn..ugh," he groaned.

"I'll let that one go," she whispered maliciously. "Oh, how I wish you could see the smile behind my visor."

Samus's finger was beginning to lose grip on the helmet. Snake would've twitched as she tossed it in the air and deftly caught it again, except he could barely move now.

A bright flash of lightning caused the soldier to glare upwards at his captor. The figure holding him had never looked more menacing. Snake counted himself lucky that he couldn't see the undoubtedly glaring eyes or the trembling upper lip. What he _wasn't_ grateful for was the fact that his own suit was beginning to suffocate him. It was so wet and muddy and was slowly becoming tighter and tighter.

"P-please," he whispered to his captor. "Just kill me n-now…"

Samus nearly giggled at this desperate plea from Snake.

"Fat chance," she retorted. "I'm going to make you live just a _little __bit _longer. But don't worry about it. I'll be killing you slowly and painfully in a short time." Samus's promise sounded strangely soothing to the operative's ears.

AUX

CALL

PUSH SELECT

140.85

_Beep_! _Beep_! _Beep_! The Codec technology that Samus couldn't hear was going off wildly in Snake's brain. He clenched his eyes shut tight, hoping to shut out the horrid ringing.

_They can't help me now_.

Even as he thought that, a tiny glimmer of hope sparked in his heart… maybe… maybe they _could _help him.

Samus's attention was focused on the path ahead. Now was his chance. His hand trembled and shook violently as he reached towards his left ear.

"Snake?!" It was the Colonel. "Snake, what the hell is going on? We've been trying to contact you for the past three hours! We need a mission status report!"

"Mission… mission failed… Colonel," Snake murmured weakly, hoping that the Hunter wouldn't hear him.

"What?!"

Snake couldn't help but grin weakly at that outburst. "We… we say that word too much in these Codec conversations… Colonel." The soldier's body gave a tiny jolt and he grunted as a boom of lightning raced across the sky.

"Don't make me inflict even more pain on your worthless body," Samus hissed viciously, glaring down at her captive.

A sense of final, approaching doom came to him. After denial, came acceptance. Snake knew there was no help coming this way. It was time to welcome the final stage of dying.

"Who is that?! Is that Samus?! Snake, what happened to you?"

"Tell…" Snake whispered harshly, feeling his throat starting to dry. God, how he wished he could have a smoke. "Tell Mei Ling that… I'm sorry I treated her that way."

"You can tell her yourself!" the Colonel cried. "We can help. But you _have to tell us what's happening_."

"S-Solid Snake… over and out," Snake whispered in a final tone. He'd always wanted to go out dramatically. How could death at the hands of a crazed bounty hunting woman be any less dramatic. Snake could hear his superior's voice even as he shut the Codec off.

"Snake? Snake?! Snaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!!"

The helmet Samus was holding was now dripping a miniature waterfall of diluted red onto Snake's already tarnished body. His brain forced his eyes to blink viciously as will dabs of watered down blood struck dead center in his pupils.

Blinking hurt. A lot.

Everything hurt.

The buzzing pain in his body became painfully more obvious as his body lurched to a sudden stop. Samus was silent for a short while. It became clear to Snake rather quickly that the duo had reached their destination.

Bitter relief washed over him as Samus's fingers released his hair, only to welcome more pain as he hit the ground hard.

The bounty hunter's hand flew through the air as she tossed the helmet towards the barely breathing body of Captain Douglas J. Falcon. The racer was unconscious, unaware of his trademark black visor that now lay next to him, dripping his own blood.

Snake didn't want to contemplate _that _any further. Not that he could as Samus's metal foot rushed to meet him again, this time in the gut.

"Oof!" he cried as he was rolled onto the back. An ominous _click _reached his ears. He barely managed to look up to see the helmeted huntress pointing her arm cannon at him.

"Get up," she boomed.

"C-c… can't," he gasped, struggling to recover air.

Samus kicked him again, causing his lungs to nearly collapse on themselves. "I said," Samus growled, "Get. The. Fuck. Up."

Snake just lay there on the ground. "You…" he began. "You're going to k… kill me. Why should I give a d-_damn_ what you want?"

He heard a snicker, and his cloudy brain was actually unsure of where it came from. "Because," rang her crystal clear voice. "If you don't want to listen, I'll make sure that you live all that much longer."

Surprisingly, that did _not_ sound very inviting. The Codec began going off in his ears again, but he ignored it this time. Sputtering, the soldier rolled over, placed both of his palms firmly on the ground and channelled all of his strength there. Just as he was able to hoist his torso out of the dirt, a very important fact occurred to him.

"You broke my legs," he managed to tell her without stammering or stuttering. A dab of mud slapped his killer's boots as his body once again hit the dirt.

In a comedic fashion, Samus slapped the top of her helmet as if it were her forehead. "Oh! Silly me, how could I forget?"

With all fingers free for use, she clenched his hair tightly and dragged him into the clearing.

"Ah… Aaaaggh!!" Snake screamed. "Uh… _stop_!"

Samus's huge metal shoulders shrugged. "Okay." For what must have been the tenth time that night, she let him fall and curse as more mud caked his bloody, dirty face. Snake noticed that the big change this time was that he lay next to Samus's other victim, Captain Falcon.

Acceptance became helplessness. As he watched his new companion's chest rise and fall weakly, Solid Snake, born as David Hayter, burst into tears for the first time in his cloned life. He wept and sobbed, not caring about the slightly questioning eyeballs that watched him snivel.

Snake wept for everything that happened, everything that was going to happen, and everything that would never happen for him or the racer.

The Chozo warrior knelt down, examining her prey as if she had found him on some desolate planet, already battered by some other enemy. Snake cried even harder as one of her metal hands slowly began to run through his mullet.

"Aw…" she said in a mock soothing tone. "Remember, Snake's don't _cry_!!" As she screamed that last word, she lifted up Snake's head and mashed it back into the soil. Hard. The panting that followed was somewhat reminiscent of that guy from those _Star Wars _films Falco Lombardi enjoyed so much.

"Are you going to kill me yet?" Snake pleaded. He could barely see her through the mud, tears, blood, and other fluids. The Philanthropist vaguely noted that Samus had broken his nose.

"Nope," she responded casually, rising to her feet again. "We're gonna wait to till your buddy there wakes up."

* * *

No one involved in that scene knows exactly how long it was before the racer's eyes slowly flooded open, before slamming shut again to block out the water.

"Ugh…" he groaned. "Uhn… what's goin' on?"

Captain Falcon got a rather violent response. "You two pushed me too _far_!"

Samus kicked Captain Falcon in the chest.

"With your fucking _flowers _and _cards_!"

Samus pistol-whipped Snake across his irreversibly battered face.

"Your fucking serenades and _poems_!"

Samus used her Ice Beam to freeze Douglas's hand to his crotch, more for amusement than anything.

"And no matter how many times I told you _no_…"

Next, she chose to set that same frozen hand on fire with a Plasma Beam shot.

"Neither of you would fucking _stop_!!" she said over the screams of pain and agony coming from the bodies under her.

"So now… you are both going to pay for your actions."

Samus knelt down again, and the confused racer desperately tried to squirm away from her, more afraid than he'd ever been in his life.

Snake watched hopelessly, coughing and gasping for air. as she grabbed Captain Falcon's helmet - the one she had been carrying - and slid carefully over his soaked head.

"I hope you enjoy fucking each other in Hell," the Hunter spat. The missile hatch opened, and the glaring eye of a missile-head greeted each of the men.

Former FOXHOUND agent Solid Snake that it was high time for one last crack.

"No such thing as--"

The boom of thunder masked the enraged cannon blasts that would surely have alerted anyone inside the house.

Lightning gave the Chozo Power Suit a healthy glow to accompany the sights of a shovel flinging dirt over the pansies in the garden. Another choice made by Peach.

Samus vaguely remembered Zelda protesting at that, as she was allergic to pansies.

* * *

"I wish Toony was here," Nana muttered as she watched the rain pour. Where was the boy anyway? "He always knows to cheer me up during thunderstorms." She narrowed her eyes at brother Popo, who was beside her watching the storm out of the galley window. "_Especially _after you make me watch scary movies. Thanks Popo. I betcha I won't even be able to look at tomato sauce for the next month!"

Popo was usually giddy after scaring the bejesus out of his two-minutes younger sister. However, the mountaineer's face held a grim mask on tonight. "If it makes you feel any better," he grumbled. "I don't feel that good either. I have this horrible feeling that something really, really bad is going on out there."

A passing Fox chuckled, tall ears twitching overhearing their conversation. Approaching them, he wrapped his arms around the two children. "Don't be silly," he said with a warm smile. "The only thing to be afraid of out there is getting wet."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely!" the vulpine chipped. "Remember, there's no such thing as dream-murderers."

Nana cracked a grin at his wording. "Okay. I feel a _little _better. Thanks Fox."

"No problem," Fox replied. "Now come on. Let's go throw eggs at Sonic while he tries to get with Mewtwo!"

"Sweet!" Popo cried. "I'm in!"

As they walked off, Nana thought aloud. "I've always thought they were a weird couple. Not the gayness or anything… it just… looks… and sounds odd."

Laughter rang out between the three of them as Samus dug deeper into the garden's soil.

"Mission failed… Indeed," she laughed.


End file.
